A train crash of thoughts

 

***possible trigger warning***

 

I feel empty. Or as Bilbo Baggins would say “I feel thin… sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread”. I am exhausted, so much has happened in the last few weeks and I feel like I have to be there for everyone one and support them- when I partially don’t know how I feel about things myself.

My father is an alcoholic and finally got admitted to rehab (there were times I was trying to have him admitted against his will because he completely stopped eating and going to work on some days), unfortunately he is being released after only three weeks, which I doubt is enough. My mother finally left my father and moved out. My grandfather ended up in hospital with another stroke. My boyfriend’s mother is currently in hospital. My sister is having a very hard time finding her place at university and somehow my mother thinks I can help her. A friend of mine has stopped studying due to his gaming addiction problems. Another got cheated on, while still dealing with the death of his father.

And I try to be there for everyone. I try to help them because I want to. I believe I have to. Because what would I tell myself if I didn’t try. What would I do for example when my father kills himself and I end up thinking there is so much more that I could have done. How did I even end up in a situation where I have to think about the possibility of my father killing himself (let’s be honest drinking yourself to death is just a very slow painful suicide).

I cannot accept that there is nothing I can do in situations. I can’t just watch a train crash about to happen. I can’t accept it.

And I don’t know why. Maybe because I believe that we as people can help others, that we can influence change. Even in the cases of addiction, we have to be able to reach people. Because otherwise it would mean giving them up in a way, and just watching a disaster happen.

And I feel tired and overwhelmed, and I don’t know what to do. I get angry when people tell me it isn’t my problem, it’s not my responsibility, but I can’t accept there is nothing I can do in certain situations (not the best quality for an ongoing doctor I know).

Is there a handbook on how to deal with alcoholic parents who don’t accept their problem?

 

In an attempt to get myself to focus on a few positive things today I made a list of things I am grateful for (may not seem like much but there were times where I struggled coming up with even one single thing).

Things I am grateful for today:

  1. My apartment, a place of refuge
  2. My supporting loving boyfriend who makes so much possible for me
  3. The sunny weather we have had for the last few days
  4. My loving family, no matter how many problems we all have
  5. The luxury of staying in bed till 12 pm today
  6. Susi, one of the dearest friends I have made while studying
  7. My mother’s new boyfriend because he seems to make her very happy
  8. My health
  9. My strength in hard times

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