So the plan was actually to post something last week on the book I am currently working through “Das Kind in Dir muss Heimat finden” (unfortunately it hasn’t been translated into English yet). But I haven’t gotten halfway through the book. It’s easy enough to read, but hard to work through. It forces you to sit down with a lot of partially painful memories and yourself, and makes you work through things to see how childhood and certain experiences shape current behaviour. At the moment I am stuck on working on my “belief- sentences”. Such as: I am not enough, I take up too much space and ask too much of other, my wishes and the way I feel about things are not important, I have to be strong and there for everyone, only through achievements do I deserve love etc. And memories such as being told “you were a mistake your mother and I made” or being repeatedly told “if you die we will just make a new child” are hard to forget and are examples of what I am currently struggling of accepting as something that has happened to me in the past (nearly 10 years ago), and letting go of so I can move forward.
I often find myself incredibly fixated on negative things that have happened/been said to me that I so often forget the good sides/memories of people who have hurt me. And I am sure I have hurt them as well- hurt people hurt people – it is a viscous circle that is so hard to break and not to pass on to others.
At the moment I just feel heavy and empty as I feel stuck in the things I am trying to work through, old memories bringing up such raw painful emotions that seem to be stored somewhere in my body. The things that we swallow down, don’t work through, the emotions we don’t express don’t go away, they seldomly disappear over time and stay with us, stored in our bodies and can cause diseases or illness.
It is something that takes more time than I was first willing to accept and not something one does after a 10 hour work day but I hope I will find the time in the next coming two weeks to sit down with myself and work on my belief-sentences.
If there is ever the interest I will happily write something on the steps described in the book to find ones own belief-sentences and how to work with them.
“It’s only a thought, and a thought can be changed” – Louise Hay