That is who you are… or of letting go

You told me I was full of hate, would never know what love is… and how could I ever with such terrible parents. That I was the next worse thing to happen to you after my parents getting married. How my mother didn’t know what to do when she found out she was pregnant with me because the situation was too much for her. You burnt my head with a hairdryer and told me to stand still and stop being such a child. You sent me your suicide letter when I was eleven and told me in detail how you killed your budgie with a knife so it wouldn’t be alone when you were dead. I spent two weeks on a picture I drew for you, one of the best things I have ever drawn and you used it as parcel wrapping paper, cut up and covered in brown tape, sent back to me. You cut my face out of all the photos you had because I dared to disagree with you. You said I was deceitful, villainous, not to be trusted because I didn’t stay with you but walked after my mother in a shopping mall, I was three. But that is who you are, you say, 22 years later, someone not worthy of love. And yet I kept calling you, sent you flowers on your birthday because that is what grandchildren do…

But I can’t any more, there is too much pain for there to be any energy and space left for you. So much hurt over all these years that I can’t take any more.

It’s time to let go of all the pain I have kept with me all these years and just let the words and emotions flow out.  I don’t hate you or resent you for the hurt you have caused me. But I am better of without you.

And I hope you find peace with yourself and your life.

***

Sometimes it is better for us to go our own way and cut ties with people close to us, even if they are our family and we feel obligated to keep them in our life. Not all people want what is best or even good for us, even if they are family, unfortunately those two do not always go together. The same goes for friendships. Cutting ties is hard and painful and often combined with a lot of guilt because parts of society lead us to believe that cutting ties with family is, among other things, morally wrong and makes us a ‘bad’ person. Often we pity people who tell us they no longer have contact with certain family members. In our heads we have this idealistic image of a whole happy family with everyone loving and supporting one another- but what if part of our family isn’t like that? We don’t choose our biological family, and often we wouldn’t choose certain people to be a part of our life if they weren’t family. We shouldn’t have to sacrifice our mental or emotional health for others.  And it is up to us to make sure we don’t have to.

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